Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
