Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
