I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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