Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
