Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
