The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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