whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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