can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
