2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
