Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
