I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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