I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
