I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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