i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
