just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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