I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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