Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
