i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
