sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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