God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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