ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
