he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
