The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
