I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
