I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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