if i can run in heels then i can drive
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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