Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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