Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
