i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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