Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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