Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
