I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
