Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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