I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We are all done wearing pants today
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
