question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
