he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
