WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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