No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
