so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
