3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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