he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
