When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
