it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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