anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
