note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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