Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
