note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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