You don't have asthma, your pregnant
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
