I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
