my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
