Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize