conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
