Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
