I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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