i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
