Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How's work?
Spinning.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
