I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Randomize
