Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize